You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
