I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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