I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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