oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
