i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
