I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
