I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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