This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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