I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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