I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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