why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
