I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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