I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
