Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
