the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
