apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
