is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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