I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
