I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
