Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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