Umm I'm too high to move.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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