He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
