Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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