The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
