i think my mom watched the whole time
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
