He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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