so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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