Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
