is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This toilet bowl is my home.
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