I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
