just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I deserve this hangover.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
