I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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