lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
