apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
