I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
