Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
