he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
