when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
