just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's official drugs can't kill me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm too high and old for this...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
