you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
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They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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