There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
