i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
