Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
