I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
