So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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