I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
