She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
