I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
