I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
