Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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