I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All the doctor said was why
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
