no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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