Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
