it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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