I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
