apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
