I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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