I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
