if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
