You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
