i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
this is an emotional support booty call
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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