i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
