dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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