I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
