Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
