Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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